Compliments, self-deprecation, insults, and gossip: how to (dis)engage with body talk

May 28

Tips for addressing the 4 most common forms of body talk.

Content warning: this article contains reference to disordered eating behaviors and body negativity.

“You look so healthy,” my mom said as I hoisted my suitcase into the trunk of her car.

Three hours earlier, I was in the Chicago airport binging on pepperoni pizza, Combos, and cinnamon rolls before forcing myself to throw up in the bathroom. I bought two cold Uncrustable sandwiches and pressed them against my cheeks to ease the swelling. Then I ate those too.

I was a 26-year-old graduate student and I’d been starving for four days to prepare for my trip home. I’d just written a paper on climate change, developed a forest management plan, taught a statistics course, and completed an internship, and what I cared most about was not looking fat in Christmas pictures.

I hadn’t meant to binge at the airport. I’d only meant to have one thing.

But yes, I “looked healthy.” And to my mom’s credit, I was a far cry from the emaciated teenager she’d once known me as. My weight was average. I wasn’t shivering cold or at immediate risk of heart failure, like I had been for the last 4 years I’d lived at home.

And after everything I had put her through, all I could do was smile and agree.

Inside, of course, my stomach sank. The lingering acidic aftertaste of vomit, the dull headache, the empty-full feeling in my stomach—sensations that had become normal to me over the last several years—felt neither healthy nor good. I knew she meant well, but my mom’s comment—and my fear of sharing the truth—made me feel suddenly and desperately lonely.

Conversations or casual comments about our bodies over the holidays are almost inevitable. When we haven’t seen someone in a long time, commenting on their body can feel like a natural place to start. After all, it’s the first thing we see!

Besides, it’s normal to want other people to feel comfortable, and in a society that places a high value on appearances, complimenting someone’s body certainly seems like a generous act. Body talk also offers grounds on which to bond or connect, especially among women. Comparing diet experiences, commiserating over our bodies, and discussing exercise regimes (or lack thereof) is so typical, we often take these conversations for granted.

The downside here is the insidious message that these comments send.

Implicit in conversations that center body shape and size is that some bodies are better than others and that these characteristics are more important than the thoughts, behaviors, or conditions that genuinely impact our well-being and influence our contributions to the world.

Furthermore, the emphasis placed on physical appearance can perpetuate a toxic cultural norm whereby body size serves as a proxy for not just health, but for general life success, discipline, moral goodness, credibility, and worth.

I want to be perfectly clear at this point that there is very little black-and-white when it comes to body talk. It is actually an ocean of gray. For instance, in some contexts—like with an intimate partner—body talk can be really powerful, positive, and exciting! And in general, it’s worth acknowledging that validation from others about our bodies can feel really good.

My intention is not to judge or diminish these experiences. Nor is it fair to criticize ourselves for commenting on others’ bodies. We live in a society where this is normal—it is the water we swim in. And even though I am aware of and sensitive to the impact of body talk, I still sometimes comment reflexively on others’ bodies!

My point is simply to bring awareness to the very real consequences that we all experience as a result of centering our attention on body size and to offer some possible alternatives.

And here’s the thing that ultimately excites me: shifting our attention away from body talk provides us with the opportunity to reinvision what our interactions and conversations with each other could be.

Because how we speak to each other—and where we choose to direct our attention—shapes the nature of our society. We all play a role, and it is in our daily interactions that we have the opportunity to create the very kinds of conversations and relationships we want to be a part of.

So what does this actually look like? To demonstrate how subtle (or not so subtle) shifts in our language and attention can change the course of a conversation, I’ll walk through interventions and alternatives to four of the most common types of body-talk: body compliments, self-deprecation, body insults, and body gossip.

#1: The body compliment.

You may have heard or used expressions like:

“You look so good!”
“You’ve lost weight!”
“You’re so tiny!”
“You’re ripped!”

These kinds of compliments might seem kind, but they reinforce the notion that size matters, that thinner or more muscular is better, and that the behaviors used to reach or maintain a certain size are unimportant (even if they involve unsustainable dieting, sickness, mental health struggles, or anything else that manifests in changes to size).

How might we respond when these comments are directed at us? One strategy is to subtly shift the focus to something that actually contributes to health, like human connection. It might sound something like this:

“Well I feel really good. I’ve invested more time in my friendships and feel so loved and supported right now.”
“I appreciate my body for what it does for me every day.”

Another strategy is to address the compliment directly.

“I know you meant that as a compliment, but I’ve learned that leaner bodies aren’t necessarily healthier. But I do feel good lately—I’ve been eating food that helps my body recover and focusing on sleep.”

And if you don’t feel comfortable confronting the comment or shifting the focus, changing the subject altogether is always an option.

“Hey, what is something you are grateful for this year?”

What about when you feel inclined to comment on or compliment someone else’s body? How else could you express appreciation for someone? What else might you notice about them? One place to start is to think less about body shape and more about the other dimensions of their identity and personality.

What might these be? When in doubt, come back to the big three: nouns, adjectives, and verbs.

Nouns include things like a person’s relationship to other people, their occupation, and their hobbies. For instance: father, sister, husband, banker, musician, entrepreneur, teacher, athlete, antique collector, etc. Rather than default to a body compliment, perhaps you can comment on or ask about one of these roles?

Adjectives include qualities like funny, organized, empathetic, generous, spontaneous, introspective, spiritual, principled, growth-minded, energetic, calm, courageous, humble, outdoorsy, knowledgeable, passionate, curious, or coordinated.

When you consider all of the adjectives you might use to describe or compliment someone, it becomes clear that size is not even close to the most interesting thing about a person!

And finally, verbs. Verbs can include actions, thoughts, and behaviors. You might notice that someone solves problems, helps other people, cooks delicious food, writes poems, stands up for other people, tells great jokes, thinks positively, cheers people up, creates art, listens to others, or expresses their opinions respectfully. These are all great things to notice and share with the people who are in our company.

Now that you are armed with some tools to respond to body compliments and to offer more creative compliments yourself, let’s consider another common body-talk scenario:

#2. Self deprecation.

This can sound like:

“My arms are so embarrassing.”
“I gained so much weight during COVID.”
“Do I look like I need another slice of pie?”

Oftentimes, our knee-jerk reaction to these comments is to reassure the person in an effort to soothe. We might respond with, “you look amazing!” Or, “oh, please!” Or we may commiserate as a way to connect or help them feel less alone: “I’ve gained weight too!” “Your arms?! Look at mine!”

Unfortunately, this just reinforces the idea that our size is our most important and defining feature, that fatness is something negative to fear or feel shame about, and that size is a measure of our success or failure as people. None of this is true!

So how else could we respond? How can we purposefully change the dialog in this situation?

One of the most important things to recognize in this scenario is that these comments are often clues about something bigger that’s going on in a person’s life.

Body shame and body criticism are socially acceptable expressions of upset that can serve as useful distractions from the bigger feelings and conversations that scare us. It’s easier in some ways to say, “I hate my belly,” than to say, “I’m anxious and I’m afraid I don’t belong here. I’m lonely. I’m ashamed. I’m grieving a loss. I don’t know what my purpose is right now.”

So how can we be true friends, partners, parents, sisters, or brothers in this situation? When someone criticizes their body, perhaps we reflect to them:

“You’re upset right now.”
“It sounds like you’re having bad body thoughts and feelings right now.”
“I’ll be here and listen while you feel this.”

And—importantly—we wait. We do listen. We don’t rush to soothe or to fix. We open up space.

This can feel really awkward at first. But I encourage you to push past the discomfort and try it anyway, noticing what happens. Maybe you learn something about the other person that you didn’t know before that can serve as new grounds for connection.

Or maybe you’re met with resistance or confusion. They may not want to talk about anything else at the moment. They might be expecting reassurance from you about their body. But you can calm your own nervous system and be present with them. The important thing is, you’ve opened a door. You’ve shown trust in them and invited them in.

You’ve noticed, named, and created space for a feeling without jumping to solve a problem. And maybe, eventually, they will feel ready to be vulnerable with you, and then you can connect in a much deeper way than you might over body angst.

Next, let’s examine:

#3. Body-related insults.

Body-related insults can be direct, such as:

“What happened, Rick? Did you get lost in the Cheeto bag?”

But often, body-related insults show up as passive comments, gestures, and assumptions. Things like:

“Are you sure you want that?”
“How are you hungry? We just ate.”
“You’ll always be beautiful to me” (as if the rest of the world thinks you’re not because you’re fat or have gained weight).

Truthfully, this type of language only scratches the surface when it comes to the kinds of stigmatizing situations people in fat bodies constantly face. Of course, addressing other forms of interpersonal and systemic weight stigma situations is well beyond the scope of this piece.

If you are someone who has been on the receiving end of these nasty comments, I am so sorry. Like discrimination based on race, gender, and sexual orientation, discrimination based on size is--at the very least--a source of chronic stress, which can result in serious physical and mental health consequences. As a society, we still have a long way to go in recognizing and addressing this issue.

So is there anything we can do in the moment when we hear these kinds of remarks? If you are the subject of these comments, of course your response is your choice! But I would argue that you have absolutely no obligation to do anything.

It should not be the responsibility of the oppressed to educate the oppressor. If you are a bystander, however, I’d argue that you do have a role to play, and an important one.

As a bystander or other participant in the conversation, one way you could respond is with distraction. For example, pick an unrelated subject and start discussing it.

“I was watching this movie the other day…”
“What do you think about this weather?”

Another option is to respond to the comment directly.

“That’s inappropriate.”
“That’s fatphobic.”
“That’s not ok.”
“Stop picking on him.”

The direct response may be the right strategy in some cases—for instance, if the comment is made in a small group, and there is already a high level of trust and respect among the group members. Even then, it’s probably best to keep it short, specific, and succinct.

However, if you’re among a larger group or the company is emotionally volatile, it’s probably a riskier and less helpful intervention because it could escalate the situation, put the commenter on the defensive, and actually have the unintended effect of further entrenching the person in their views.

Another option is to delay your response.

Wait for a time when you get a moment to speak with the subject of the comment in private, and let them know that you heard what was said, that you’re sorry, and that you want to know if they’re ok.
Ask how you can support them.

Maybe they’ll want to talk about it, and maybe not. If they prefer to brush it off, then do so and move on!

Finally, let’s look at one last common form of body talk:

#4. Body gossip.

Body gossip often sounds like:

“Did you see Adam? He lost a lot of weight!”
“Sarah is looking really good!”
“Jennifer has gained a lot of weight.”
“Scott has been working with a nutritionist, but it doesn’t look like he’s made any progress.”

Why is body gossip so tempting? For one, as consumers of media, we are exposed to body gossip and commentary all of the time. It’s so normal that it makes sense as a common communication default. But also—-and importantly—body gossip is a way of projecting our own insecurities onto someone else. If I’m feeling insecure about my hips—and that’s where my attention is—I may feel more inclined to notice and comment on someone else’s.

Of course, it isn’t always—or even commonly—that direct or obvious. Our own insecurities might feel so scary or painful that we don’t allow them to enter our conscious mind. Or, we may compensate and act overly confident in order to convince ourselves that we really are secure in ourselves and our bodies.

But our attention doesn’t lie. Fixating on other peoples’ bodies is often a reflection of fixation on our own, whether we are fully aware of it or not.

Why does this matter?

Because addressing body gossip is fundamentally an issue of addressing someone’s fear, shame, and discomfort in their own body! And confronting these feelings is really hard!

Billion dollar industries with powerful marketing arms benefit from our believing the lie that how we look is entirely within our control and that our most important qualities are our slenderness (or muscularity), ableness, whiteness, heterosexuality, and youth.

And even when we know otherwise or have supportive friends and family members, it is really hard not to internalize these messages. And it doesn’t help when others’ biases can have very real impacts on things like our ability to get proper health care, to be considered for a job, to get respectful treatment in a check-out line, or to simply walk down the street without harassment. Body shame runs so deep.

So what does all this mean when it comes to addressing body gossip? For one, if you hear it, I’d encourage you to speak up, but to do so with compassion! It’s often the nastiest gossipers who feel the least secure in themselves, and that’s one of the real tragedies of diet culture.

Rather than turn against it, diet culture encourages us to turn against each other!

So the next time your aunt or uncle says, “Eli has gained some weight,” perhaps you respond with something like:

“I know you say that because you care about Eli, but I think it's best for him--and for ourselves--to focus on other things, like his creativity and his passion for sports.”

Or when your friend says, “Charmaine has lost weight and looks so good,” maybe you share:

“I am learning that talking about weight—even when it’s meant to be positive—can actually hurt us all. For instance, hearing you say that makes me feel like you might not approve of me if my body changes. I doubt that’s true, but can you see where I’m coming from?”

Listen to their response, and then if it feels right, you might model an alternative:

“As soon as I walked in, Charmaine greeted me with a warm hug. She’s one of the kindest people I know.”

What if you are someone who is prone to talking about others’ bodies? There are a lot of incredible and very well-meaning people for whom body talk is simply a comfortable or default topic of conversation. Maybe it was that way in your household growing up, and you’ve never really known any difference or thought anything about it.

If this does apply to you, I am so sorry that you have probably felt a lot of pressure and anxiety toward your body for much of your life! And if you feel compelled (and hopefully I have convinced you) to address your habit of talking about others’ bodies, the best place to start may be with examining your own inner dialog.

What are you saying about yourself to yourself? And how is it working for you? If it’s not working well, maybe you can make a point to find one thing about your body and your abilities that you can affirm each day. Or maybe you’ll consider finding a therapist or body-positive coach who can help you.

Some final thoughts.

At the end of the day, body talk in many contexts does more harm than good. We can do better, and we owe it to ourselves to try.

Of course, rather than focus on how not to engage in body talk, it is far more powerful to consider the kinds of conversations you do want to have.

Whenever we prepare ourselves to enter into a social situation, we can take a few minutes to ask ourselves, “what do I want to make sure these people know by the time I leave—that they feel loved, appreciated, wanted, needed? Who is the person I want to be throughout this interaction?”

So often, we enter passively into social situations without considering the very real and powerful role we have in shaping them. I want to invite you to consider your unique values, traits, and identity (remember, the ones that have nothing to do with size!) and be intentional about what you bring to your interactions with friends, family, and even strangers.

Are you someone who values humor? Make it a point to make your friends laugh! Do you value generosity? Share a meaningful compliment with someone.

Also, practice the skill of responding productively to body talk when you encounter it. Hopefully, I have given you some ideas about different approaches you can take, but they should serve more as springboards to your own unique approach than as scripts or prescriptions. Have some ideas about what you might say before you get into a situation that requires it, and practice your words out loud.

It also should go without saying that you don’t need to intervene in every body talk situation you encounter! Pick your battles! There may be people who are particularly triggering to you and whom you are simply better off avoiding. There is nothing wrong with that!

And finally, please be willing to be vulnerable. If someone comments on your body in a way that makes you feel hurt, disconnected, or lonely, I encourage you to be courageous and share that. I have deep compassion for my 26-year-old self who wanted her mom to believe she was ok. But I wish she had had the courage to share how she really felt.

My mom, like so many other parents of kids with histories of eating and body image issues, just wanted me to feel good. Had I been honest with her, we may have been able to share a deeper connection that could have helped us both grow in our relationships with our bodies.

Ultimately, the irony is, the kinds of conversations that allow us to feel truly seen as people are the ones that have nothing to do with our appearances. And the responsibility for building those relationships lies with all of us.

Sources

Bacon, Lindo. Radical Belonging: How to Survive and Thrive in an Unjust World. Benbella Books, 2021.

Hollaback! “Bystander Intervention Training.” https://www.ihollaback.org/bystander-resources/.

Jones, Ginny. “How to Respond to Bad Body Thoughts.” Ginny Jones Parent Coach. https://ginnyjonescoach.com/how-to-respond-to-bad-body-thoughts/.

Puhl, Rebecca M., and Kelly D. Brownell. "Confronting and coping with weight stigma: an investigation of overweight and obese adults." Obesity 14.10 (2006): 1802-1815. https://doi.org/10.1038/oby.2006.208

Seruya, Ashely. “The Impact of Weight Stigma on Our Mental Health.” Center for Discovery. https://centerfordiscovery.com/blog/the-impact-of-weight-stigma-on-our-mental-health/

Katie Beechem